If You Were Here
by runicmagitek
Summary: No matter how often Angela visits the memorial, reminders of a time better left forgotten haunt her. Thankfully, she doesn't need to do so alone. For Pharmercy Week - day 6


Perfect rows of polished stone spanned past the horizon within lush grass. Flowers and small flags decorated a handful of stones while others stood bare. Nothing but the wind swept through the quiet expanse. Not a soul in sight, save for Angela.

She walked between a row, clutching peonies, daisies, and white and pink carnations to her chest. Her eyes scanned the myriad stones, each with a name carved into them. Somewhere in that stretch was the one she searched for.

No matter how often she visited, it was the same walk amongst ghosts and shadows.

Her steps slowed. Dropping to her knees, Angela skimmed a free hand over the embossed words on the cold stone. Blue eyes flicked about, as if searching for something that wasn't there.

All she found were memories she had yet to burn and bury.

She had been laughing before it all happened. They bought her a new teddy bear for her collection—a genuine Steiff bear. She brought it with her to lunch and the park. Joy radiated from her every action.

She didn't comprehend the screams and gunfire. She didn't comprehend the quakes ripping apart the buildings. She didn't comprehend them telling her to hide. She didn't comprehend their tears.

She didn't comprehend that I love you actually meant goodbye.

 _Close your eyes, Angie_ , she remembered them saying.

And she did. Squeezing them as tight as she could, she curled up into a ball and clung to her bear. They would tell her when she could open them again.

Silence flooded the streets. The stench of smoke tickled her nose. She refused to disobey; she had to be a good girl. Someone would come for her. It would be alright.

When the smoke forced her to cough, she squirmed through the collapsed metal and wood to break free. She stumbled onto the streets and stared.

" _Mama? Papa?_ "

She hugged her soot-covered bear and shuffled past the bloodied corpses and smoldering debris.

" _Mama? Papa?_ "

She sniffled and spun around. Had she missed them? Were they looking for her?

" _Mama?! Papa?!_ "

Tears flowed down her face and trickled off her chin. She tripped and fell to her knees, overwhelmed by sentiments she didn't know the names to. Again she shrieked, but no one listened.

"Hey, there you are."

Angela opened her eyes and craned her head back. A slight smile surfaced on her lips. "You made it."

Fareeha rushed over with a bouquet of white roses in hand. "You weren't kidding when you said the memorial went on for miles. I thought I was never going to find you." She flashed a sympathetic smile. "Sorry if I kept you waiting."

"No, not at all. Was just lost in thought."

Fareeha knelt beside her. "I picked up these," she said while gesturing to the roses. "I hope that's okay."

"They're beautiful."

"Hopefully you like this one, too." Fareeha dug out a single red rose from her jacket's inner pocket. "For you."

Angela accepted the flower, twirling it in her hands before setting it aside. "Thank you," she murmured.

"Hey, anytime." She wrapped a loose arm around Angela, stroking her shoulder. "I want you to know I'm here for you. I know this... well, I don't know anything, but I can't imagine this is easy for you."

Her blue eyes dropped to her lap. "It... never is. Year after year... doesn't matter if it's the anniversary or just because. I thought it would get easier. Every time I come here... I remember all over again. But it wouldn't be right if I stopped coming altogether."

"I'm sure they love you visiting them."

"Yeah." She brushed away the stray tears slipping past her eyes. "I like to think they would."

"And I bet they're proud of all you've accomplished."

Angela struggled to smile. "I... it never feels like enough."

She remembered sitting with her bear on her lap amongst other children, all of them crying for parents who would never return. She remembered packing suitcases to visit another household to stay in, making sure she didn't forget her bear, the only possession that ever felt like home anymore. She remembered reading through textbooks by her nightlight and clinging to her bear whenever another argument broke out from downstairs. She remembered her ride picking her up to head to university while her peers attended middle school, buckling her bear in for the trip. She remembered writing papers on Friday nights in her dormitory while her supposed peers wandered off to another frat party, but at least her bear kept her company on her desk.

So many broken homes and hearts. How could she mend them all? For every life she saved, ten more collapsed and dissolved. People insisted on solving problems with violence. When would they ever learn that they did more damage than good?

The thought of harming anyone sickened Angela. It was never a question of whether they deserved it or not; why resort to violence at all? How were people to feel safe when the standard for confrontation was bloodshed and death?

How was she to ever explain that to Fareeha? They both vowed to protect those who couldn't stand up for themselves or others, but their execution in doing so struck a clear divide between them. At least Fareeha respected Angela's beliefs and stayed civil. So did she. Why bicker over the methods when the ideals remained true?

It didn't make discussing it any easier, though. It never did.

 _I can_ _'_ _t be like you,_ she thought. _I never will. Just like you won_ _'_ _t be like me. But if their deaths don't change a person's mind about this needless violence… then what ever will?_

Tears splashed against the petals below. Angela slumped forward, arms enveloping her trembling form. Fareeha embraced her as soft, yet worried words left her lips.

"It doesn't matter how much I try," Angela sobbed out. "I can't save everyone."

"I know," Fareeha whispered into her neck. "I wish we could."

She buried her face in Fareeha's shoulder, inhaling her crisp scent in hopes to calm down. "I wish no one had to resort to fighting."

"We fight to protect those we love so they can live to see another day."

She blinked and recalled their faces. They smiled before they disappeared.

"If I was there back then," Fareeha continued, "I would have tried to save all of them. And I know you would have protected them, too."

"But there's always someone you can't save."

"That's why we have to keep trying, whether it's fighting on the front lines or providing shelter and comfort to those seeking refuge. We all have our roles in making this world a better place. I hope there's a day where we don't need to fight anymore. I don't know if it will ever come, but until it does, I'll stand tall and never back down." She pulled back to rest her forehead along Angela's, gazing into her teary eyes. " _You_ remind me every day to be kinder, to be softer. You're not just a reason worth fighting for; you're proof that some people don't turn to revenge and hatred in dire times. You want to help, because no one helped you one time. You smile, because you know what it's like to cry. That is a gift in of itself, Angela. You're a beacon of light in these dark times. Never stop shining. Guide people back home. Remind them what it's like to love again. You never do it for the fame or money; you do it because that's what feels _right_. That's what I love most about you."

Angela's lips quirked up. "I love how you never stray from me or anyone else. You never sit around and wait for someone else to do something; you do it yourself so it gets done right the first time. Even though I can never understand why you're the first to jump into a battle, I know you do it not because you want to harm others, but because you want to protect those you love. I just… there's so much unnecessary rage in people's hearts. I wish there was a way to make them see differently. There's so much to live for. Why waste it on fear and hatred? I'm afraid there's nothing I can do in that regard. All I _can_ do is help those in need. Until a single day passes where my services aren't needed anywhere in the world, I won't rest."

Fareeha squeezed her. "There is something you can do."

"What?"

"Lead by example. You already do it without knowing it. That's what makes you so magnificent. _That_ _'_ _s_ why your parents would be so proud of you. They're sweet little Angela grew up to be a benevolent, brave woman. That's better than any scientific breakthrough. You don't give yourself enough credit, _habibi_." Fareeha kissed away the remaining tears on Angela's face. "You'd bear the weight of the universe on those pretty shoulders if it meant everyone else was happy and safe. You don't need to carry that alone. I'm here for you. Always am and always will. And don't forget all your friends, too. We got you, Angela, no matter what. I can't imagine your parents wanting anything else for you."

More tears welled in her eyes, though sadness didn't evoke them this time. "You always know the right thing to say to me."

"I'm just saying it like it is," Fareeha said with a shrug. "Nothing out of the ordinary."

"And yet you're anything but."

They bumped noses and smiled. They deepened their embrace as a cool breeze flowed over them.

"I love you, Angela," she whispered.

"I love you, too, Fareeha."

"Never forget that."

"How could I?"

Unraveling from one another, they situated their flowers before the grave. Angela nestled against Fareeha and clasped her hand. Their fingers interlocked with Fareeha stroking a soft patch of skin with her thumb.

"I wish you could have met them," Angela mused out loud. "They would have loved you."

"You think so?"

Angela hummed and perched her cheek on Fareeha's shoulder. "Yeah. So long as I wasn't harming anyone and I was happy, then they were happy." She snickered. "Mama might have had strong words with you about your rocket launcher, though."

"And I would have assured her, just as I assure you—" She poked Angela's side for emphasis. "—said rocket launcher is to keep meanies from harming good people like herself."

She rolled her eyes, yet grinned. "You would have made Christmas dinners _quite_ entertaining."

"Hey now, I _still_ do."

"Your deep fried turkey last year qualified for that."

"I like to think that fiasco was an excellent sign that all we needed to do was order Chinese take-out from down the street."

Soft laughter flowed from both of them. The tears in Angela's eyes dried. The sadness might have lingered, but her heart fluttered with joy.

No matter what, she couldn't live in the past. Perhaps the grieving would never end, but she chose how it shaped her life, for better or for worse. It was in her late night tests in the lab. It was in her Caduceus Staff. It was in her dedicated colleagues and loyal friends. It was in the smile of every patient she tended to. It was in the world she envisioned and attempt to make a reality.

It was in the woman holding her by her parents' grave without a single question as to why.

They left the memorial cemetery on a lighter note, leaving the plethora of flowers in memory of the lives taken too soon. They shared pastries over tea at a local cafe. They walked the reconstructed streets Angela once called home. They watched the sunset and counted the stars blinking into existence. They clinked wine glasses at dinner, toasting to a better world. They curled up beneath shared blankets and whispered their undying love to each other in their native tongues.

Angela rolled over to turn off the light and paused. A small and severely worn, yet immensely loved teddy bear sat on the nightstand. She smiled and brushed fingertips along its fur.

" _Ruhe in Frieden_ ," she whispered.


End file.
